There are a few things mommies never want to go through. One of them is pregnancy loss, but it can happen to any one of us, at any time, and for a myriad of reasons. It is always painful.
Here is some help for you in the immediate and longer term of a pregnancy loss:
- You will have emotions and so will your partner- The emotions, and how they work themselves out, will be different, but you will both have them. Knowing that you are not alone, and being concerned for your partner too, is tremendously helpful in the healing process.
- Whatever you feel is OK- Grasp this and don’t let it go. It’s paramount in the healing process. You may find yourself dealing with some intense and unexpected emotion at unexpected times and you need to know that those feeling are OK. However, if your feelings are causing you to act on hurting yourself or those around you, please, seek help in dealing with those emotions.
- If you have other children, they’ll have feelings too- Let them talk about the brother or sister they’re missing even if what they say stings a little. They are processing the loss too, only they do it with little kid emotions and thoughts.
- Communication- Communicate as a family. “Check in” often with your partner and your children. When you communicate you carry each other’s burdens and you find you aren’t going through this alone.
- Pamper yourself in the first few days- it’s ok to seek comfort during those first days after the loss- be good to yourself. The dust will still be there and chocolate won’t kill you.
- Vervain Tincture– Calms the nerves, eases cramping and after birth pains. Follow the direction of your health care provider and the instructions on the bottle- add to your favorite hot tea.
- Cramp Bark Tincture– Is another herb that can help with the cramping. It can be used together with Vervain. Follow the direction of your health care provider and the instructions on the bottle- add to your favorite hot tea.
Over the Longer Term:
- Be aware that the original due date and the yearly loss date can both be difficult days, especially in the first couple of years. Mark them on your calendar and clear those days of as many commitments as you can.
- Take or have pictures taken if you were far enough along to be able to photograph the baby- you won’t always look at them but, they’re invaluable to have when you need them.
- Make a keep sake box for the baby- Things to possibly include: the baby’s ashes (if you have them), hospital bracelets, pictures, birth or death certificates, things you were going to give the baby, and things that you or others give in memory of your baby.
- Consider doing something special as a family to memorialize your baby on the one year date of your loss. This can be therapeutic to the whole family.
- Join a local pregnancy loss support group if you can- I’m not a big support group person, but it was helpful to know that I wasn’t the only one experiencing the feelings I had.
- Do the work of healing and then be a compassionate healer in the lives of others who know your pain.
Helping a loved one through their loss:
Be understanding of their feelings, their weariness, and their need to talk and share . . . or not to. Consider making or buying something that memorializing and recognizes the existence of your loved one’s longed for baby- it will be deeply appreciated. Some suggestions:
- Make or purchase a small blanket with the baby’s name embroidered on it.
- Plant a tree in memory of the baby through the Arbor Day Foundation.
- Have a special, pregnancy loss memorial necklace made.
- Make or buy a Christmas ornament in memory of the baby.
- Make a special keep sake box for the baby’s belongings.
- Make a special birth announcement.