I just started a course on responding to child abuse. The first session, the professor discussed how abuse is a community problem that begins with individuals. Child abuse prevention starts with each of us because only we can control our own behavior. This said, she asked us to think about our own needs. Just like the famous airplane analogy, we need to have our own needs met before we can think of those of others. Not only is this true for helping others in crisis, but for parents to provide their best selves for their children.
This September, we spent most of the month quarantined with fevers: No play dates, no library story times, no trips to the park. I noticed the isolation affecting my kids, not to mention me. Specifically, my four year old daughter misses the other adults and children she considers friends, and I believe their sudden absence made her transition to PreK more stressful. Not seeing our friends affected how many of my family’s needs were being met.
As important as these women are to my family today, I knew not one of them three years ago. My childhood friendships disintegrated when I moved from Massachusetts to Maine. Later, I had work friends, but once I stayed home with my kids, I became isolated again. It wasn’t until I was in a group of women that I realized how much I needed it. I always pictured community as something large scale, but this handful of women are my community. They provide me with so much. Kindness. Humor. Advice. Solace. Generosity. They expose me to new experiences and ideas, both large and small. They challenge me to be a better parent, and a better overall person.
This group is my first chance to see female friendships like those shown in popular media in action. Growing up, I didn’t see adult friendships. My mother was very isolated once she became a stay-at-home mom. I have no memories of her with friends. I often wonder how she did it; how did she survive three young children with no support? Recently, I realized maybe this lack of example is why I sometimes struggle with adult friendships. I assume women already have long standing friendships and aren’t interested in forming one with me. Until this last year, I hadn’t been part of a group of women for ten years; I still sometimes feel totally lost while these women swirl around me with such ease. Would my adult friendships be different if my mother had set an example for me? I can’t say for sure, but now that I’ve considered the idea, I want to be sure my daughter can observe my friendships. While before I might have sacrificed my needs, now I have a new reason to be dedicated to making friendships last – my daughter watching and listening.
So, there you have it, Mommies. Two strong reasons why you need to have adult friendships in your life: Fulfilling your own needs and setting an example for your children. When we become parents, we put a lot of things on hold, especially us stay-at-home moms. But keeping, or making, friendships is beneficial to our kids now through our lowered stress levels, and later through the examples we’ve set.
So, how did a shy, somewhat socially awkward person from out-of-state wind up an integral part of a mom’s group? Here’s how:
- Go where the moms are, such as La Leche League Meetings (LLL), open community play groups, story times, and parks. I started by going places to enrich my daughter’s life and over time I got to know the other moms who went regularly.
- Separate from your child(ren) to talk to the moms. This was hard for me. I stuck to my daughter almost the whole time in the beginning, partly because she was only 12 months, partly because I’m shy. But after a while, I stopped following her around so I could talk with the other moms.
- Make some play dates. I recommend starting with a park or other activity outside the home. For example, the first play date I made was raspberry picking. The neutral location reduced the stress.
- Consider creating an online group for easy communication and support. I have a hard time keeping a train of thought with my two kids pulling on my pant leg, so to speak. The online group allows me to be interrupted for as long as necessary.
- Select a weekly meeting time. If you find a few moms and kids your family really clicks with, then bring up the idea of meeting regularly.
- Decide on how formal or informal you’d like the group to be. In particular, discuss sharing hosting and any supplies that cost money. My group rotates play dates and deliberately choose themes and activities. This formal structure works for us because we often see each other informally up to four more times a week. Additionally talk about membership. How large or small will the group be? Should families commit to coming every week, or is group attendance more lax?
